ZOMGZ!!! Don't even tell me how long I wuz gone 4!!!!!!! I know!!!!!! Been soooooooooooo busy!!!! Startin my own recurrrrrd label wit Lily Allen and Lil Wayne (but T-Pain is gunna help while Weezy's in da slammmmmerrrrrrr!!!!!) n been on tour wit my main ho Brooke Hogan – doin heapz of shopping centre appearances and shizzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!! LOL!!!! Was a guest judge on So You Think You Can Ho? Which is a north europe show wit all deeez hawt boyz n girlz who juz, like, make out all show n den we award the best ones – like, if ur wearing a visible g-string or summin!!! Soooooo fun!!!!!!!!!! Co-judges were John Mayer and Paris Hilton...!!!!! My main ho-hos!!!!! LUV THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

N e wayz, 1 of da tingz I been doin is producin da new Jonas Brotherzzzzzz album!!!!!! It's totez a new direction 4 dem and I think that my TOTEZ HOOD VIBE iz breathin new lyfe into their muzik!!!!!!!!!! We jus wrote 1 song called 'My Curls' which is totez a homage to that CLASSIC GENIUS HIT from ghetto monsterz Black Eyed Peas n their GROUNDBREAKING trak 'My Humps'!!!!!!!!!!!! Goin to be HEAVY homegirlzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!! They jus rilly want 2 get rid of their TOTEZ wholesome vibe, ya know???? If y'all only KNEW how dirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrty deez boyz are!!!!!! LOL!!!! Y'all would TOTEZ DIE!!!!!!! Juz the other day, Joe was all like talking 'bout all da bitchez he KISSES ON THE CHEEK at album signings n shizzz!!! Boy is a WHORE!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!! Love u Jonas BOYZZZZZZZZ!!!! Let's git ghetto soon!!!!!! Text me!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxxxxxooooxoxoxoxoxoxxx

So, jus 2 set tha record straight – I'M NOT SEXING WIT JOHN MAYER!! (I jus jam wit him sometimes! No, not "JAM" actually JAM!!) I know how y'all get allllllll giddy n shizzzzz when he playz dat guitar n makes those weird faces n sends sexy text messages... but COME ON!!!! John iz totez like a 2 tall teenage boy!!!! (n let's not evez START on his sexual hygiene!! He's put it in ERRRRRRRYBODY!!!!!!)

But I've known Mayz 4 evs, so don't git me wrong!! He's a totez amazing guy despite his raging STDs and thrush breath!!!! Don't let dem tabloids git u down!! UR not a man-slut! UR AMAYERSING!!!!!!!!! TEXT ME!!!!!!!!!!!

So wit all dis surgey n gettin her tittayz out all ovah town n gettin drunk n shizz, peeps r all like "Dinowhore, did u kno Winehouse is totez sharkin' ur steeze???!!!!" n I'm all "Naw, hoes!!! U kno WINOWHORE ain't no DINOWHORE!!!" 

LMAO!!!!! KIDDING AMY!!! There's TOTEZ room 4 both of us, slut!!!!! LUV U!!!!! Crack is wack, ya hearrrrrrrrd?!!!! Text me!!!!

We're in Melbourne now and so far have done so much fun shizzzzz!!!! Brit's sons got here yesterday, but don't worry slutz – we got PLENTY of partying in b4 they got hurrrrr!!!!! TOTEZ been hangin wit some MELBURN (dat's what the homies call it) superstarz like Big Phrase n Bangs n errrrrrybody who's anybody from Neighbourz!!! Since Brit-Brit doesn't take drugz n-e-more (least, not prescrippy onez!!! LOL!) we jus went CRAY-ZEEEEEEE on Agwa shotz and Brit totez spewed bright greeeeeen all night b4 she made out wit a stripper at Spearmint Rhino n then got onstage and TOTEZ did a lapdance 4 Toadie from Neighbourz!!!! HE LOVED IT SO MUCH HIS MANHOOD WUZ A MANWOOOOOOOOD!!!!! We LOLLED until we CRIED!!! (Cept Brit-dawg cuz she was in the bathroom taking pingerz wit da club's head security guard!! JUS KIDDING!!! It wuz jus a regular security guard!! LMAO!!!!) 

So I'm in Miami wit my biatch-boy JAY LYON!!!!!!! Now, homegirlz, don't be all "who the FUCK is dat?!" b/c U KNOW WHO HE BE!!!! Jay is the guy who dated Miranda Kerr (til she dumped him) and my main boss biatch Whitney Port (til she dumped him) AND he's only in the BIGGEST BAND EVZ!!!! Tamamarra!!! Terammeara!!!! Tamarraarra!!!! Tamaramamamamamaamamamamaaa!!!!!!!!! WhatEVZ!!! point is, he's TOTEZ a big deal musician!!!! Like, a BIG deal!!! 

N-E-WAYZ, been stayin' at this amazballz hotel dat has a cocktail bar IN THE POOL!!! LOLZ!!! Jay n I have been jus drinking cocktailz n sunbaking n smoking apple bongz n makin' jewellery!!! This TOTEZ EMBARRASSING pap shot is us makin' Jay a totez cute belly chain!!! He wore it out that night and TOTEZ scored a THREESOME!!!! LOLZ!!! Good for u, Jay-Jay!!!! He totez just bought these girlz heaps of shots and told them that he dated Miranda Kerr n they were totez IMPRESSED and INTO HIM!!!!! Totez bummer that they stol ur iPhone n wallet, Jay!!!! Doesn't matter tho, u got totez lalalalalalalaaaaaid!!!!!!!! Luv u!!! Text me!!! Oh, u can't, ur phone's gone!!! LOL!!!! xxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Avril wrote a few new songz like '2 B Wit U', 'BFF LOL' n my FAVOURITE LOVE BALLAD EVS 'W8 4 Me L8er Sk8er H8er'. It's SO beautiful but still totez haz dat Avril punk EDGE!! She is SO EDGY!!!!!! She haz more edge than a dodecahedron!!!!!!! SHE IS ALL EDGE!!!!! She is BASICALLY the original RIOT GRRRRRRRRRRRL!!!! Hello? She wears SCHOOL UNIFORMS!!! For fun!!!! LOL! She's a totez rebel!! Like, have u seen her pink streak in her hair?! ZOMGZ!! 

Totez don't mess wit her, like a stooooops girl did when we was out da other night – this girl was all "OoooooOOOOOooohHHHH, Avril!!! U R not evez that punk!!!" and Avril was all like "Fuck you, bitch" and then homegirl was all "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING IMPOSTOR. JOHNNY ROTTEN WOULD PISS ON U. U R THE OPPOSITE OF PUNK, U FUCKING HELLO KITTY, HARAJUKU, WANNABE GWEN STEFANI CIRCA 1995 OVER-GROWN TODDLER LOSER!" 

...and then Avril was all, like, crying and shizz and totez said "FUCK OFF!" and we all went into the VIP area to drink mojitos and do linez!! LOL!!! DON'T MESS WITH AVRIL or u'll get PWNED!!!!! 4 realz!!!

My ho-ho and Lamar have been datin' for, like, TOTEZ FOUR WEEKS now n they r jus SOOOOO in luv!!!!! Lamar doesn't even mind that Khloe kinda lookz like a tranny on some anglez... N Khloe TOTEZ doesn't mind that Lamar will probz knock-up a cheerleader / back-up dancer / singer / socialite during their marriage!!!! DAT IZ TRUE LUV, y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Khloe, don't let all dem haterz tell u ur wrong!!!! U totez could've married him after TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!!! Y'all r in luv and will last 4EVZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (AT LEAST until one of ur sisterz upstages u again and u have a public divorce and maybz even get a book ghostwritten 4 u about the trialz and tribz of bein' a balla's wifey?!!!! OMG, OPRAH'S BOOK CLUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Luv u!!!!!!!!!)

So, anywayz, we went 2 the Ivy n just talked REALLY loudly about how Heids n her hubby Spence r just, TOTEZ in love n are SO SINCERE n genuine n how he is sooooooooo much the best hub EVZ!!!!! He evez sayz that Heidi is probz been taken over by MJ's spirit because her muzic skillz r so totes WAY TOO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, peeeeeeeepz!!! Just so y'all know – Heids is SO FAR FROM FAKE!!!! Y'all keep up with yo dreamz!!!! Just cuz she had her tittays, nose n lips n shizz done, doesn't mean she's fakey-faker-fakehead!!!!!! Like, when she sayz that she has 30 ORGASMS A DAY, be-lieeeeve!! When she sayz that she's Christian n didn't have sexes BEFORE marriage but had a pregnancy scurrrrrr, BELIEVE!!! When she sayz she's gon win an Oscar one day, believe!!! 

Heids don't let the haterz get 2 you, I totez believe errrrrry werd u utter! Spesh wen u said that ur "the modern day Mother Teresa" while y'all were pluggin ur own brand of dry-shampoo!!! That shizz totez SAVED MY LIFE tha otha day, JUST like Mother Teresa saved those starving orphans!!!!! Text me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like, Ali and Sam and I wuz just soooo shocked!!! Lindz was all like "You know what cuntz? I know who did this and I'ma be cutting them!!!!!!!!!!!!" n she totez ran out of the house and TOTEZ took off her top and then, like, waved to the paparazzi and told them all she wazn't gay and that she was TOTEZ SOBER and that everybody should just LEAVE HER ALONE and then talked about movie she's filming and her new line of leggings and then came back inside and was all "What?" and we were like "Robbery, slutballz?" and she was like, "OH YEAH!!!!" and went and called the po-po.

Anywayz, LEAVE LINDZ ALONE!!!! I don't care what they say, homegirl, u r totez amazing and ur not an attention whore AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL n those thieves? Jokes on u!!! Lindz totez gave each video Chlamidia from a 'test tube' so y'all better not have handled them wit bare handz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shout out to my homeboys in Compton!!!!! Text me!!!